Dear Ime Udoka,
If in fact that is your real name. I’m sure this letter will find you in high spirits. Last week while hard at work, I received indelible news from a coworker that left me empty and desolate. She walked in the room and boldly declared “Nia’s pregnant”. With my head situated in front of the computer screen, amid hearing the news, I slowly turned around in my big chair like the bad guys do in the movies and calmly replied in a deep tone “Who is he?”
She said she didn’t know, but after she showed me the picture evidence of Nia pregnant on the beach, I damn near had a coronary event. I then made it my personal business to find out all the actual-factuals about the suspected baby-daddy.
Ime Sunday Udoka (again, if that’s your real name) I only have one question to ask you bruh… Are you happy now?
The “All-Time Black Man Dream Shatterer List” reads like this:
#1. Institutional discrimination.
#2. Child support legislation.
#3. Ime Udoka.
Are you proud of that sir? I mean how selfish are you? Damn LeBron, what about your “Decision”. In my next Urban League meeting I’m going to see to it that we discuss the residual effects of Nia being pregnant on the lives of black males ages 25-41. You have forever crushed the dreams of aspiring like-minded young men across this great nation. How will you repay us? Who will we have to aspire to now? Huh Ime? Sticky-fingers Ime, taken what’s not yours.
I did a little research on you, and see you’re from Portland, Oregon. While Portland may be one of the safest cities in the U.S.; robbery, theft, and burglary account for much of the city’s crime– and boy are you representing.
Quiet it’s kept I don’t even blame you– I blame Drake. He is responsible for bringing light-skin brothas back anyway… Guess who’s new album I won’t be buying?
Ohh and your NBA career, you can forget about it. I’ve already started a petition detailing how bad your presence is for the game. 200,000 signatures strong bruh.
Speaking of the NBA, I now know the disappointment that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert felt when LeBron “took his talents to South Beach” that’s why I had him co-write and edit this letter (good job Dan).
I bet Nia doesn’t know about your off the court investments now does she? The lil shake joint you run back in San Antonio appopriately titled “Ime’s San Antonio Soiree” or “Imaginary Ime’s” back in Portland. Yeah buddy, I know all about you.
Really though, who am I kidding? I cant blame you at all. If Nia gave me a shot, she’d be pregnant with quintuplets–and that’s real. We’d move to Spain and have our own reality show called ” Austin & Nia’s Familia”.
So you win Ime. You got the juice now. Just remember I’m right over your shoulder boy… Hawking… Scoping… Watching… Waiting (whispering at this point)… I can PROMISE you that all my energy, effort, and focus will be directed toward one thing and one thing only… I’ll let you figure you that one out.
Sincerely,
Austin “Don’t Let Me Catch You in Streets” Weatherington
Editors Note* All contents of this letter are completely and utterly false and is the direct result of the delusional mind of the author. In all seriousness we here at The Smugger congratulate the two on their joyful addition and wish them the best of luck (side-eye).
About the Author
